


01:38AM

by paintedstudy



Category: I Was Born for This - Alice Oseman
Genre: Almost Kiss, Insomnia, M/M, Mutual Pining, conversations at 1AM hell yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 07:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20990894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paintedstudy/pseuds/paintedstudy
Summary: Jimmy and Lister are struggling with their feelings for each other. And, of course, this results in them chatting about sex at 1AM





	01:38AM

**Author's Note:**

> its a proven fact that people talk to their crushes about sex when they don't know how to ask them out. cw for a reference to lister getting coerced and listers alcoholism bc his longterm withdrawal symptoms is why hes awake lol.

"Did you know that I've never had sex while completely sober?"

It was the middle of the night. Jimmy and Lister were sat at the breakfast bar. Lister was having trouble sleeping, and Jimmy was keeping him company. "Hm?"

"I've never had sex while completely sober," Lister repeated.

"No?"

"Nope."

Jimmy smiled a little. "Me neither."

"Mm."

Jimmy had his arms contorted in a way that was probably awful for his posture but made for an excellent pillow. He was resting the side of his face on his forearms and glancing between the countertop, the wall, and Lister, who was on his phone.

"Is that a worry of yours?"

"Huh?" Lister rubbed his nose. His eyes flicked up to Jimmy's.

"Having sex while sober. Are you...worried about it, or something?"

"Oh. Uh…" Lister's knitted his brows together. "No. Well," he conceded, "it might become a problem if someone I wanna sleep with doesn't wanna stay sober, but I'm not worried about it for me personally, no."

Jimmy hummed. He let his eyes slide shut and played with his own hair.

"Kinda think you have to have shame to be worried about that," Lister continued. "I lost my ability to feel embarrassed when I threw up at the X-Factor."

"Ah." Jimmy breathed in and out. "Can't say the same, unfortunately."

"Ha."

He hesitated. "I genuinely wouldn't be able to have sex if I was completely sober."

"Oh." Lister wrinkled his nose. Like, _That's actually a problem, Jimmy, you should talk to someone about that_. "Why?"

Jimmy huffed out a laugh. "'Cause I just get too," he made vague circular motions with his hand above his head, "up here."

"Ah, okay. That sucks."

"Yup."

"Have you tried? Like," Lister paused, "it kinda sounds like you had a bad experience or two."

Jimmy gave him a look, then rearranged his arms to bury his face in them.

Lister snorted. "Oh, fuck, sorry."

Jimmy sighed. "It's fine." He sat up. "Uh, I'm just...yeah. No. You're right."

"You wanna talk about it?" Lister offered. "Or…?"

He did want to.

And, for once, he actually went for it.

"It was...like...two years ago," Jimmy began. 

Telling the story took a lot longer than it should have, because Jimmy's memory of things he'd rather forget was patchy at best when he was fully awake. But he still knew what he wanted to say. In his tired state, the words came far easier to him than they may have done otherwise. His thoughts and emotions ran unfiltered. Which was a rare occurrence, even with Rowan.

Jimmy absently thought he should have done this a long time ago. He liked talking about this stuff with Lister. He got it. More so than Rowan ever could, anyway.

Even if Lister could basically sleep with anyone he wanted to. Though Lister didn't just sleep with everyone available. Jimmy knew that now.

"That's...wow," Lister said after Jimmy was done. He laughed. "That's terrible."

"Mm."

"He just left? Didn't stay to make sure you were alright?"

Jimmy laughed awkwardly. "Yeah, no. He bolted as soon as he realised he couldn't convince me to, like...suck it up, or something."

"Dickhead." The amount of spite in Lister's voice was surprising. Jimmy nodded resignedly. Lister opened his mouth to say something more, but stopped himself, and shook his head. Jimmy watched him absently, trying to gage whether Lister was going to say something important.

And then he didn't have to wonder. "Jimmy, the guys you get with…" Lister said tentatively. "I don't...I mean." He paused. "You know it's not alright, don't you?"

His voice was low. Jimmy said nothing.

"I just..." Lister refused to meet his eye. "I've never heard you talk about a guy who hasn't been shit to you."

Jimmy nodded his head to the side. "I don't tend to hook up with people for their stellar personalities, you know."

Thankfully, Lister laughed at that. "I know, I know." Lister tapped his thumb on the side of his phone. "There's a line, though."

"Mm." Jimmy didn't really know what to make of that. He understood what Lister was getting at, though. Rowan had noticed the same thing a little while ago, and Jimmy wasn't exactly ignorant of it himself.

Lister was looking at him, almost expectantly. Jimmy shrugged. "Cis guys are really entitled, I dunno what to tell you."

Lister gave him a wry smile. "I know."

"Not everyone has people basically waiting in line to sleep with them," Jimmy joked, but it didn't quite land. He tried to amend it. "It's...different for me. Like, yeah, I'm a celebrity. There are guys who want to get with me. I only have a small amount of time to decide whether I wanna go for it, y'know?"

Lister shook his head. "You can always say no if you change your mind."

"But that's so awkward."

Lister let out a laugh.

Jimmy laughed with him. "I don't think it's that deep," he continued. "No pun intended."

Lister snorted. "There_ are_ people who won't be a dick to you, though."

"I've yet to find one."

Lister shook his head again. He got very quiet, eyes fixed on the countertop. Jimmy wondered whether they were going to broach _that_ topic. The topic of Lister kissing Jimmy. Because, really, Jimmy knew Lister wouldn't treat him like shit if they hooked up. Quite the opposite.

It just went unspoken between them that they didn't bring it up.

Eventually, Lister met Jimmy's gaze. He hesitated, and then he said, very simply, "You deserve better."

_I know,_ Jimmy thought._ I know_.

He willed himself not to glance down at Lister's mouth. He couldn't break his eyes away from Lister's face, and he wanted to kiss him. So much that it scared him.

Jimmy wasn't yet accustomed to having feelings for someone he was already close friends with. He didn't know if you could ever really get used to it.

He got to thinking about the last time he and Lister had talked about this sort of thing.

_"I'm Lister Bird. Why else would anyone want to be around me other than to get with me?"_

It wasn't true, obviously. Lots of people loved Lister without wanting to get with him. Until very recently, Jimmy thought he fell into that category. Lister just lit up every room he walked into.

Jimmy wished he could make Lister believe that.

Still not breaking eye contact, Jimmy found himself saying, "So do you."

There was a moment where Lister's eyes widened, and his expression softened. Jimmy thought - hoped - that Lister was going to kiss him.

But he didn't. Lister hummed. His face went neutral, and he looked away. 

Jimmy tried not to feel disappointed. He rested his face in his palm and closed his eyes.

After a few minutes - Jimmy didn't know how many - he heard Lister say, "You should go to bed." 

There was humour in his voice. Jimmy opened his eyes and looked at him.

Lister continued, "It's fine, dude. You're tired. Don't stay up for me." He waited. Jimmy didn't move. Lister went back to looking at his phone.

"Lister."

He looked up. Jimmy swallowed and forced himself to keep speaking.

"I'm sorry about what I said before. About...you only having sex with people to make them like you."

Lister gave him a tired smile. "It's fine."

Jimmy bit his lip. "I'm really sorry."

Lister just looked at him. He seemed confused as to what to say. Jimmy didn't mind; he just wanted Lister to accept his apology rather than dismiss it like it was unnecessary.

"So…were you...drunk the first time you had sex?" Jimmy asked, very, very slowly.

Lister's expression soured. He nodded.

Jimmy let out a hollow laugh as he said, "Sorry for yelling at you about that."

Lister nodded again. He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Guess we both think each other could do better, hm?"

"Mm." Jimmy held out his hand, pinky finger outstretched. "I promise to do better if you do."

"Ha." Lister curled his pinky around Jimmy's and wiggled it. "No more sleeping with shitty cis guys."

Jimmy nodded, serious as anything. "No more sleeping with people who wanna fuck you for the status."

Lister chuckled. "Nobody's getting status out of it anyway, but sure."

"You know what I mean." A bit reluctantly, Jimmy let go of Lister's finger. "I'm gonna go to sleep."

"Good."

Jimmy laughed. "Night, Lister."

"Night."


End file.
